Wednesday, April 9, 2008

WFMW: The Best Advice No One Will Actually Tell You


There are many topics polite company will simply not address. Oh, they'll talk about all kinds of things that will make you blush, but they just won't cover anything that will actually be, you know, *useful*. I mean, it's just that it's not going to profit me in anyway to know how many random guys you made out with in junior high or every detail about your enhancement surgery. But don't worry, it was rather interesting conversation at the time. And that expression you saw on my face? I hope you didn't notice it was the same one that I wear when I pass a wreck and can't stop rubbernecking in morbid fascination.

So anyhoo, I'm here to provide a couple of very important pieces of information that you probably won't hear mentioned in polite society. If you ever find yourself in a situation where you need this advice, you will thank me profusely. In your head of course, because you will never admit out loud that you were actually in a situation where you needed this advice.

1. Preparation-H suppositories can be your absolute best friend.

If you have ever had a vaginal delivery where you spent 2 1/2 hours in the pushing phase, you know that it can have some...unfortunate side effects. It may come as a shock when a few days after you get home, your meds have run out, and you find yourself with knife-like, horrible pain when you're trying to do your doody. And no, the tube stuff will not work as well. You can appease your delicate sensibilities by going a few days before your due date to a store in the next county where no one will recognize you as they snicker at the completely embarrassing contents of your shopping cart. Toss in some witch hazel wipes and a box of those pads with an instant cold center because you might as well just get it all over with at once. Just have those Prep-H suppositories on hand just in case. If you get to the point of needing them, you will so incredibly glad for your foresight in being stocked up.

2. Sit on the toilet and throw up in the trash can.

You're welcome.


For more Works For Me Wednesday posts (and they will probably have a far lower squirm factor), go to Rocks In My Dryer.

10 comments:

Blue Castle said...

I thought I was the only one who did #2. :) Great advice.

Janelle said...

I've done #2 more times than I can count.

Lori - Queen of Dirty Laundry said...

Helpful AND hilarious!

It's incredibly sad that so many people don't realize the logic of #2. I have known more than one person who got it wrong.

UCK.

Playful Professional said...

I use #2 often. They always come together. Thanks.

jen said...

That's hilarious! They are both so true and #2 is absolutely essential for every mom (and human being in general) to know...

eally said...

Oh this is hilarious! Been there done that!

Awesome Mom said...

Rofl! You know I never really thought about doing #2. It makes so much sense though.

Judy said...

Oh yes, your #2 is dead on! Glad I stopped by!

Anonymous said...

This cracked me up because I just learned the sit on the toilet and throw up in the trash by accident. I was so sick, I grabbed the trash can, and you are right; so much better!

Robin (the PENSIEVE one) said...

Ha! I'm looking for something at Rocks and my eye was drawn to your WFMW.

This, girlie-Q, is HILARIOUS! And I betcha "someone" will benefit from your (ahem) wisdom and foresight.

Cute...thanks for the smile :).