I have finally learned contentment

As a child, I was a perfectionist. If I had messed up on a paper for school, I started over. In 5th grade when I was assigned to the "B" math group, I worked and begged until they moved me to the "A" group, even though the teacher of that group was mean and hated by all the students.

In high school, I joined groups and clubs and organizations, eventually serving as president or vice-president or section leader.

When I got my degree and joined the work force, I had 4 jobs in 3 years as I was always moving to something bigger and better. I became the youngest senior tech writer around.

When K was born, I had a huge struggle of whether to continue working or stay at home. I decided to work, but I dropped my hours to part-time and worked from home for a year. Just as I had chosen to go back to the office, I was laid-off. After only a month at home, I went searching for a new job and became a teacher.

Just before K turned 4, we moved to NC and we made the decision for me to stay home. For a long time, it was so incredibly difficult. Suddenly, I was important to only 2 people - Mr. at Home and K - and they couldn't give me the affirmation I was used to receiving from an office full of colleagues or a classroom full of students. I wasn't *needed* in the same way anymore and I resented it.

After a year, I went to work at the local Target and worked nights and weekends. If you asked, I was doing it to make a little money for our upcoming adoption trip. Truthfully, I was doing it more because I needed the opportunity to feel important. I needed people to tell me that I was good at what I did and that they liked me and appreciated my skills.

I worked at Target for over a year before Mr. at Home convinced me to quit. It was hard on my family most evenings when I would race out the door to work as soon as he came in. I missed almost every one of K's tee ball games. I was tired from little sleep, homeschooling, watching over a busy toddler, and trying to keep up with the different obligations of our household, but I still felt the need to do *something* that didn't revolve around my role as wife and mother.

Since then we've sold our house, moved to an apartment, moved to a bigger apartment, and moved to a townhome. We've traveled and made new friends. Our girls have grown and picked up a few more commitments with sports, dance, and homeschooling. Mr. at Home has gotten involved in a couple of new things with work and church. I've started a blog, had a story published, did a freelance writing project, and attended a writing conference. Life has been busy and chaotic at times, so I hadn't paid much attention to a feeling that's been building. I hadn't stopped to think about it carefully and it came as a bit of a surprise when I finally put it into words.

I am content.

For the first time in a long time, I am not searching for the next big thing. I don't have any driving ambition to reenter the work force. I'm not worrying about whether we should have more kids or if we should send the ones we have to public school or keep them at home. I have no wild dream to move across the country or publish the great American novel. I don't even worry about how many people are reading my blog.

That's not to say that my life is all sweetness and light. I still have grumpy days. Mr. at Home works some evenings. The girls make many not-so-wise choices. We still have days when we're overbooked and stressed, but I don't get overwhelmed and resentful in the same way anymore.

I am simply content to live the life I have been given right now.

Back near the beginning of the year, Marybeth posted the idea of claiming a verse for the year. That sounded too much like a "resolution" to me, so I glossed over the idea and kept going. Nevertheless, God gave me a verse complete with flashing neon arrows pointing to it yelling, "This is it!! Don't forget this one!!"

"Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you," 1 Thessalonians 4:11

I have recently been working on the concept of a "quiet life" content to mind my own business and work with my hands in my own home by keeping it clean and spending time making our home a pleasant place to be. We eat more at home now, the house is currently clean, and I've kept busy with continuing to learn to crochet. And I'm happy doing it, especially seeing the wisdom God reveals in the next verse.

"so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody." 1 Thessalonians 4:12

"Not be dependent on anybody." Not for praise for my skills or affirmation that I'm doing a good job. Not for fame or respect for my great achievements. I have spent my whole life consumed with ambition and the need for approval from others. I have struggled with restlessness and discontentment and nothing I did could change it. Good thing God doesn't need me to do it myself so I can give Him all the credit.